Wicked Game
Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.
Every night I’d look for the first star of the night. I’d find it and say this phrase with such yearning. Every time I’d wish for the same wish, send me a boyfriend. Send me someone that loves me, that wants me. Growing up, I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t be happy with just me. I had this idea that the only way I could achieve happiness was with someone else wanting me, telling me I was pretty, that I was worth it. I wonder now if it was because of being adopted. Was there always that longing, lingering inside of me because deep down I was abandoned? I knew at one time I was not wanted so does it makes sense I would spend my entire adolescence trying to fill that void? Was that the reason I felt I needed a man to make me whole?
You Were Meant for Me
I used to think there was just one person I was fated to be with. There was one perfect person in the universe that fit with me and once I found that person, my life would be perfect. Ariel found her prince Erik. She gave up her voice, her body and her family just to be with him. It was fate. I knew my boyfriend in high school was fated to be with me. I looked for any similarities. Our grandmothers lived a block away from each other on the bad side of town. At his friend’s house he got a bloody nose. That same morning two hours away I got a bloody nose. There were so many incidences like this that I wanted to attribute to fate. They were small examples that culminated to one clear answer…we were meant to be together.
The young heart is so much more whimsical than the adult heart.
I’d imagine my Korean mother as a woman who was young and maybe raped. She was pregnant with me and alone. She knew she couldn’t care for me so she gave the ultimate sacrifice of giving up the one little soul she cared for more than life itself to give me a better life. It was fate that I was given up and fate that I ended up in America. It was meant to be. Just like my HS boyfriend and I were meant to be.
But my adult heart now knows better.
Foolish Games
There is not one person out there fated to be with you. There is not just one person you can love, one person you can live with or one person who you should spend the rest of your life with. We choose who we want to be with. Of course some people are more compatible than others. People who have the same interests can be better suited for each other. But that isn’t the indicator that they will stay together. They aren’t fated to be together because they both like nutter butters. People last because they work at their relationships. They both make a commitment to each other and work to make the other person happy. They work to make each day special. It’s not fate. It’s love and hard work. I remember when Hotel Transylvania the animated movie came out. There’s a line in it where they suggest there is one person out there for them. I looked at my daughter in her little eyes and said, “NO! That’s false. There is not one person for you. It’s who you choose to be with!” It’s not a fairy tale. Just like my biological mother. It was a choice to give me away, to not love me, to not raise me. There was a choice to keep me. There was a way. But she chose not to. My HS boyfriend was not my fate. It was a relationship that lasted too long because I didn’t know who I was without him. It was insecurity. It’s not fate.
Don’t Dream it’s Over
Adoption affects everyone differently. I came over with two other babies and our families would get together every year. They are my sisters; but, we are so different. Not every adoptee has a longing to find their biological family. Not every adoptee has a great adopted family. At age 48 I think I’m finally content. I’m not longing for someone to love me. I’m lucky to have someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. I wasn’t fated to love him. I love him because we work to make a great life and a great relationship, together. Despite our disagreements, I loved my adopted parents and am at peace with my father’s choice to leave us. I met my biological family and know that while they are genetically tied to me, they are truly strangers with different lives. If I want a relationship with them, it will be work. Our future is not fate but is dependent upon our actions. I used to dream of what my life would be like. But now, I don’t have to because it’s right in front of me.
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