It's been three years.
It doesn't seem possible. How does time fly so quickly now. The days before Christmas used to last an eternity, but now Christmas appears quickly, like my anxiety in a social setting. Each year gets better but I doubt Christmas will ever be "normal". I'll never think of Christmas as it used to be. I'll never see the utter joy in Christmas without also thinking of the utter tragedy. It's taken me three years to even be able to write about it.
Time. Situations suck when the only remedy is time to forget. Time to soften the blow. Time to process and let wounds heal, heartaches fade.
It's five days before Christmas. I wonder if my Dad knew his plan five days before. I wonder if he was already thinking about what needed to happen, what sacrifice he was going to give to our family. Had my mother refused to listen to him? To ask for help? She said she wasn't going to a home and that Michael and I couldn't make her. She had fallen and didn't take the rugs out of the house like Carmen said. Did Dad know what road lied ahead for him? After a lifetime of taking care of Crispin, bathing, washing, wiping asses... Did Alzheimer Lloyd know it would be too much and he wasn't going to burden Michael and I with this?
Or was it just plain fear. Was he scared? That's the part that breaks my heart. My poor father, not remembering why he entered a room or why he grabbed a pen and paper. Scared he would have to drive into town and not remember how to get home... in the town he lived 70 some years. Poor Lloyd who just wanted to be a farmer, but entered the army instead, by chance going Germany and not Vietnam. I look at the ledgers from his high school years of learning how much bean to plant and how many livestock to own depending on the acreage of the farm. Agriculture was a way of life, a major in high school. But farming was not in his future. Came back from the army to land a good line job at GM. Can't get those anymore. Working with the ethic of a farmer, only to be told by the union to stop working so hard, he was setting the bar too high. Worked overtime so I could go to ballet, gymnastics, anything I wanted. Never drank. Never smoked. Didn't even have a traffic ticket. Lloyd was scared. He spent a lifetime of caring for others and now, he was afraid he couldn't even care for himself, let alone my injured mother.
Mom knew there was a gun in the house she didn't know where it was.
Dad was planning. Just in case.
5 days before Christmas. Did you know dad? Did you know it would be that night? Of all nights. Why that night? Did you think it was now or never? The most courage you've had to muster in your whole life. I don't know how you did it. Years of logical farm life living mixed with fear of a life filled with confusion fueled your decision. I’ll never know. I normally don’t dwell on this as I am learning to live in the present. But once a year, I take a moment and dwell in the past and think about the moment time stopped.
