I'm OLD - Lesson 2

 There is not ONE perfect person you are fated to be with.

Disney fairytales are so toxic. And yes, I love them. I went to the theater to see The Little Mermaid! It was brand new. I even have the VHS version with the phallic cover. I loved it and sang all the songs. But the message, OYE! I mean, first of all she falls in love with a prince and will do anything to have him, even though they’ve never talked. And so she gives up her voice, her one talent, to have a chance to meet him on land. She goes through body mutilation to get legs. And then, she can’t talk to get him to like her so all she has is her body. So she is reduced physical attraction to garner a mate. In the end, she gets what she wants and leaves her family and friends to be with the man she loves. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. This is not the lesson young girls should walk away with. And as mentioned already, there is not one perfect person you are compatible with. 

Don’t believe the hype.

When Sophie was little she watched the movie Hotel Transylvania and there was a line about how the couple was meant to be together since they were one another’s “zing”. I remember stopping the movie and yelling at Sophie, “There is not just one ZING out there for you. There are literally thousands of people you could end up with. What matters is the commitment you make to each other!”

Love is amazing. The commitment involved breeds its own challenges and rewards. Being with someone is a choice you make day after day long after the Zing may be gone. The Zing may hook you, but the fizzle is real. You both put in the work to create a long, lasting relationship. And even then, sometimes it doesn’t work out.  That is life.

But, if one door closes, open another one. You never know who may be standing there waiting for you.

In 24 days I turn 50

 In 24 days I turn 50. 

I’m not taking this lightly. I’m passive aggressively not thinking about it as I think about it.

At times I think it’s not significant since I don’t know when my birthday really is. Am I the only adoptee who’s found their family and still doesn’t know the real day they were born?

I’m not sure where I thought I’d be by this age. I know I thought 50 was super old. I thought your life was basically over at 50 and you might as well just give up, wear elastic waistband pants, and take up knitting.  But women like Jennifer Lopez, Cher, and Demi Moore are showing us that 50 isn’t a destination of decrepitness and inactivity. It’s just another number to pass through during our full and active lives. 

By 50 my mother had a nine year old. Glad that’s not me. I have a 19 year old that reminds me how old I am. One would think there would be some wisdom I’ve collected in my 50 year journey that I could impart on my daughter or for that matter the masses.  When I was gifted a suit jacket from my husband’s Grandma Gerry, I reached into the pocket to find a hand written note that said something to the effect of, “We thought with age came wisdom, but in fact we learned that it just leaves us with more questions than answers.” The advice I gave my daughter yesterday when she was complaining about an annoying girl who gave unsolicited, unsavory opinions, “Treat her like a tampon. Just leave it there and don’t touch it and don’t f*ck with it.”  

Since I don’t want my legacy to be a loosely thrown together tampon comparison, I will take a moment to really think. What have I learned thus far in my slightly interesting, slightly basic life worth a damn?

Lesson 1

Be selfish.  Not the asshole, silver spoon in mouth selfish, but selfish in your time and your talents.  Don’t waste either on people who are not worth it. Value yourself enough that you realize you are a gift to others and that you don’t OWE anyone anything. 

I don’t know why I’m a people pleaser. Could be because my mother was never pleased with what I did so I have a lingering need to succeed. Could be because my father was such a gentle person and would do so much for others. More than likely I was born this way. Add this to my type A personality and over achiever ways, I was constantly doing things to gain outward adoration. I would do or say things to make others feel good or comfortable, even at my own expense. I noticed this somewhere in my 30’s. When I was younger, older men would make nasty comments or jokes. Old Man jokes. I learned to laugh at them and not take offense. I didn’t want to make a scene or cause discomfort.  While this taught me to have thicker skin and not be so offended by everything (GenX), I don’t think this taught me my value or my worth. While there’s not much now that offends me, I wonder if I really valued myself in my 20’s the way I should’ve. I’d stand up for what I believe in like gay rights and a woman’s control over her own body, but would I have stood up for myself at the expense of a pleasant conversation or calm moment? 

I hope the next generation stands up. We already saw change around the Me Too movement. We have women like Lady GaGa and Lizzo standing up for what they believe in from their position of notoriety and fame. Hopefully it trickles down to every girl. So Lesson 1 in a nutshell is Look out for #1… that’s you.